Most Recent Blog Posts

• A Dumb Attorney A Dumb Attorney

  • From: bubba
  • Description:

    >> Disorder in American Courts

    >>

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

    now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    >>

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNE : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNE : My name is Susan!

    ____________________________________________

    >>

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNE : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    _____________ _______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNE : No, I just lie there.

    >> ____________________________________________

    >>

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNE : Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNE : I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________

    >>

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNE : We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNE : We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNE : Yes, voodoo.

    ____________________________________________

    >>

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNE : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    __________________ __________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNE : Uh, he's twenty.

    __________________ _________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNE : Are you shitt'in me?

    __________________ _______________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNE : Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNE : Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

    __________________ __________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNE : Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNE : None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNE : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    __________________ __________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNE : By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNE : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

    __________________ ________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNE : He was about medium height and had a beard

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNE : Guess.

    __________________ ___________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNE : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    __________________ ____________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNE : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

    __________________ _______________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNE : Oral.

    __________________ _______________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNE : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNE : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    __________________ __________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNE : Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

    __________________ ____________________

    And the best for last:

    >>

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNE : No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNE : No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNE : No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNE : No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNE : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNE : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  • Blog post
  • 2 years ago
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• Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

  • From: bubba
  • Description:

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."

  • Blog post
  • 2 years ago
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• You must be in IT You must be in IT

  • From: bubba
  • Description:

    
    A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and

    spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady
    "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
    hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
    
    The woman below replied, "
    You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the
    ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59
    and 60 degrees west longitude."
    
    "You must be in IT" said the balloonist.
    
    "Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered
    the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but
    I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still
    lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
    delayed my trip."
    
    The woman below responded, "You must be in Management"
    
    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the
    woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have
    risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
    promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
    you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
    position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

  • Blog post
  • 2 years ago
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• Mood Ring Mood Ring

  • From: stargazer
  • Description:

    My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

    We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a bigred mark on his forehead.

    Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

  • Blog post
  • 3 years ago
  • Views: 715
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• Lifess Embarasing Moments Lifess Embarasing Moments

  • From: bubba
  • Description:

    So-you think you've been embarrassed in public? The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine"...
    

    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter..

    --------------------------------- --------

    2.) It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again...

    ----------------------------------- ------

    3.) One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"

    ---------------------------- -------------

    4.) A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
    

  • Blog post
  • 3 years ago
  • Views: 840
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• Steve Jobs - Apple Steve Jobs - Apple

  • From: bubba
  • Description:
    "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even build with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll just give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
    
  • Blog post
  • 3 years ago
  • Views: 596
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• Baseball Heaven Baseball Heaven

  • From: stargazer
  • Description:
    2 Good Ole Boys Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if at all possible, you know I'll do it for you." Shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it ?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is, there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching next Tuesday!"
  • Blog post
  • 4 years ago
  • Views: 633
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• Alien Alien

  • From: stargazer
  • Description:
    ATTENTION: ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY ASS PEOPLE. YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.
  • Blog post
  • 4 years ago
  • Views: 664

• Scuba Diving in the Forest Scuba Diving in the Forest

  • From: bubba
  • Description:
    Something to think about the next time you're having a bad day (this was an article in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, October 20, 2006: Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.
  • Blog post
  • 4 years ago
  • Views: 588
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